Originally published 2021-06-25 on docs.sweeting.me.
How trust can be regained from a state of default mistrust through actions.
when trust is broken in a relationship, it changes from a state of default trust to a state of default mistrust/skepticism. in default trust mode, words and actions are taken in good faith, even when they are not what the other person expected/wanted. the environment is forgiving and risk-taking is rewarded, the trust safety net turns grave errors into temporary challenges that can be worked through.
the state of default trust creates a mindset of trust abundance. when trust is not scarce, we are willing to take gambles knowing that if damaged, there are plentiful ways that it can be rebuilt. in a trust scarcity mindset we become self-protective and reputation-protective. every word and action must be scrutinized to the highest degree because hits to trust/reputation between members feel permanent and irreconcilable. arguments in this state are like minefields where differences of opinion or perception, and perceived slights lead to complete breakdowns of trust and good faith in short order. when words cannot be taken in good faith, they lose utility as a medium to communicate through, and should be replaced.
regaining trust from a state of default mistrust is hard, and is better done through actions than words. it’s like two people standing on top of a log in water, trying to say upright as it spins and wobbles around under their feet. if they work together to stray very little from the centerline, they might be able to barely stay upright. any slight wobble past a narrow tolerance range will topple both into the water. it’s a system that’s inherently unstable, any perturbation leads to rapid total collapse. similarly for people, any small inflammation / escalation in a state of default mistrust will lead to complete collapse. that’s why making promises of change or trying to mutually discuss commitment to future improvements from this state is actively harmful. it only takes a single broken promise or misinterpreted intent to collapse the system. actions allow it to gradually reach the default trust / stable state, after which broken promises are much more likely to be mendable.
after a breakup or similar crisis with another person/group where all trust is broken, in my experience it’s best to almost completely break off communication, and instead focus on demonstrating good intent through action only. specifically actions that have a cost to yourself and a gain for the other party are our hardwired way of showing “I’m willing to sacrifice for you, you can trust me”. for example, taking on logistical labor for the other person, catching up on tasks you said you’d do for them in the past but had never completed, doing anything out of your way for the other person. it’s important that your goodwill not come with attached communication saying “look at this good thing I did for you, now love me please” etc… It’s only taken in good faith if it comes from a selfless place and is not wrapped in expectation of the favor being returned.
similarly when dealing with addiction it’s best to not make verbal promises to anyone else about your intent to wean yourself off. making the promise out loud sounds encouraging and gives a small dopamine boost and feels like you’re already 50% of the way to completing the task, but it provides an escape / easy out where one can half-heartedly commit to something and get a hit of social support without needing to follow through. instead force yourself to demonstrate through action only that your habits are improving, as this is the true test. will your friends and peers notice your improved behavior / reliability / etc. completely independently without prompting? this also fixes the issue of shame. when a public promise is broken, the accompanying shame can often make relapse more likely as an escape from feelings of social guilt and hopelessness. when no promise is made however, then relapses can be integrated as temporary setbacks on a difficult journey, but without shame. transparency and total honesty about current behavior can also be maintained without needing to make promises or predictions about the future. it’s also perceived as more badass when other people notice accomplishments/improvements with no bragging or showing off needed to bring it to their attention.